i want to be beautiful, not realistic.

i caught the 4:48 am train to wollongong last night, he needed to talk. i was astonished, ever so often i wonder if he's said more than 10 000 words in his life.
we fucked and then i cried, we fucked some more, had a fight until about 10 in the morning, fell asleep bitter and woke up to fuck, fight, re-break up & say goodbye.

he said we needed an absolute erase. we concurred not to ever face each other again and i ripped, rived & split that stupid piece of paper in to parts while weeping on the train back home.


wollongong is about 3 hours from where i live, being hungover in that long time of travel was like turning somersaults on the treadmill. most of the mascara from last night was on my cheeks, i stinked of sex, had unbrushed teeth and the hair of a scarecrow. but it still happened.

a pretty boy walked up to me and started a conversation.

i was waiting for my second train at sydney terminal, listening to music and beating time on my foot when he came up to me. i was surprised as i had looked at him moments earlier thinking
"he's handsome, he must be french."

he asked me for some help, he hadn't been in sydney for 4 years and needed to know how to get to petersham in the most effortless way. i had no idea of platforms and timetables but falsely thought about it just to keep him stay longer. he was a 9 out of 10 and i realized i was probably on -7 right now. but the conversation kept going, he was talking about his travels in europe and america and i impressed him by showing off: "i speak 6 languages fluent."
my train didn't come until 22 minutes later but we managed to speak during that whole time. he's making me a vegetarian banquet on monday and i'm countering with my awesome mudcake as desert.

i can and i will have others than you. non-boring, affectionate, extraverted. i don't need you, i don't, i do NOT need you!
all i have to do is convince myself about that.

john said it last night before i caught the train;
"you're nice and very pretty. you have your pick of the litter in sydney."


it will be a win-loose i'm happy with.